43 by 43

Sixteen years ago on December 16, my mother died at the age of 43, when I was 23 and just finishing college.  We thought she'd be in Hospice care for weeks.  After eight years of fighting breast cancer, I couldn't believe the fight was lost.  She was the strongest woman I've ever known.  How could anything beat her? She was only home for a few days before the end came.  Eight years -  all of college and high school for me - and yet I was completely unprepared, taken entirely by surprise.

My first breath was taken in her presence.  Her last breath was taken in mine.  I didn't know until she was gone that she had defined me.  Without her, I didn't know who I was.  I felt like a child again.  The world should have stopped turning, but on it spun.

Today, she would have been 60.

It's common among females who lose their mothers to fear dying at the age that their mothers died.  I read this in Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman, and understanding that this is a common fear helped me to confront and dismiss it. And losing my mother so young has given me the attitude that aging beats the alternative.

My sister's senior picture -
Mom at my age now, 39, me at 19, & my sister at 17, or thereabouts.

But turning 38 was a little weird.  A little "Woah - new age bracket, here!"

Then in December I turned 39.  That was a little... hard.  I'm throwing my husband a (belated) Walking Dead birthday party for his 40th next month, to make light of his worry that he's now Old with a capital "O."

But zombie jokes aside, now I'm less than a year from 40, and that is a really different number from 30-anything.

And it's so close to 43.

(And suddenly it occurs to me that the majority of people reading this blog are probably under 35.  Oh, well.)

So many numbers...

Four.

What if I had just four years left to live?  Just until I am 43?

Magoo will be 13.5, Sweet Pea will be 9.5 (Magoo's age now), and my little toddler Bellybean will be 6.5.  Nowhere near the 23 years I got with my mom.  Nowhere near enough time...

But I'm not following this train of thought to wallow in morbidity.  I don't want to fear death.

But maybe I want to live like I'm going to die.

So this is by bucket list of 43 things I want to do by the time I'm 43.

1. Look back and feel that I have had my kids in the best educational environment for each of them, individually, each year.  No more plodding through while everything feels wrong, trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole.
2. Be a part of passing pro-breastfeeding legislation (preferably in 2015). (done! HB 786 (now Chapter 619) extends pump-at-work rights to salaried public employees. It was passed at the end of the 2015 session and is effective beginning 9/1/15.  New goal: finally pass the bill to strengthen the right to breastfeed, & also the one to license IBCLCs in 2017.)
3. Go para-sailing - or at least something similarly crazy-awesome.
4. Go surfing.
5. Achieve and maintain a healthy weight.  Exercise regularly.  Run.  In fact, run or at least jog a 5K.  Get strong, physically.  Learn and practice yoga.  Take better care of myself in general (like, by taking my Synthroid for my thyroid consistently).  Get a mammogram.
6. Develop and maintain routines.  As in, I want to feel like I have my shit together.  This includes conquering (for good) Mount Laundry, and slaying the Paper Demon.
7. Take the boys to the Columbus Zoo.  See my sister and nephews.  Take at least one fantastic family trip, just for us, every year.  Make epic memories.
8. At least start to get photos organized and accessible for my children.  (Currently they're mostly all boxed up or digital - I want them to be able to look through scrapbooks.)
9. Begin to build an addition on our little two-bedroom house.  Fix some of the stuff that worries me (mold behind the shower tiles) or annoys me (rosy bathroom wallpaper that we wanted to replace when we moved in - in 2001).  Improve our backyard.  A hammock is a must for this.  So is getting rid of most of the kids' outside toys that aren't nailed down.
10. Meet the needs of my children as best as I am able.  They're fed, and they're loved, but I always feel I am falling short in so many ways.  Not enough exercise, too much pizza, months behind on well checks - saying "No" to Hide and Seek... again.  I want to look back and feel that I did my best.  That I took care of myself and answered my calling but that they were prioritized and not neglected.  I want to know that most of the time, I am providing what they need from me (whether that's space to fail or help to succeed).  I want to have a weekly family game night more often than not.  To make sure the kids have the attention they need to play with all the crap they have - build Lego sets with help, perform science experiments with supervision, etc.  And I want to choose love.  On my 43rd birthday I want to look back and feel that most of the time, I chose love when responding to my sons and husband.
11. Garden.  More often than not, even if it's just a few plants.
12. Involve my children in service projects.  I want them to know how insanely blessed they are, and to feel compelled to pay it forward.  I want to practice random acts of kindness with them.
13. Buy a nursing mother's meal (or drink). (done, 5/18/15)
14. Allow Bellybean to self-wean.  (My older two had encouragement, as breastfeeding was painful while I was pregnant.)
15. Practice gratitude daily, on my own and as a family.
16. Start the campaign I've thought about for two years.  Prepare documents to respond to NIP incidents with moms who contact me when they have them.  Work on getting businesses to join the Family Friendly Business Initiative.  Make the two videos about breastfeeding that I've been wanting to make.  Organize a large event.
17. Be a recognized name in the breastfeeding community.  Make this calling of mine something that I can do as a vocation in some way.  Turn my blog into a bonafide website and into an organization or business of some sort.  Write more consistently.  Finally get a fartin' logo.
18. Speak somewhere, at least once, and do a kick-ass job.  Not a 30-second news interview, but a conference kind of thing.
19. Have friends over sometimes.  Have friends.  In real life, not just on Facebook or in relation to work.  I want to cultivate the relationships I have.  To risk being hurt - risk big - and really let people - or at least one person - in.
20. Read at least some of the freaking parenting books I own.
21. Learn more about dyslexia and dysgraphia.
22. De-clutter.  Empty storage shed.  Make the playroom look fabulous.
23. Finish promised gifts.  Make bean bags for my kids.  Send my nieces & nephews birthday presents, at least once.  On time, to boot.  Make a family cookbook.
24. Bake my mom's cookies at Christmas.
25. Be debt free.  For my part, this is about supporting my husband however I can and being fiscally responsible, and putting it out there in the universe.  I don't want him to feel pressured, as the breadwinner, by this being my goal for us.
26. Have a vacation with Adam, alone.
27. Write about some of the things that fascinate me.  Write something that matters.  Not just a blog post, but an article for HuffPo or a thesis or a speech (TEDTalk?) or a even mother f*cking book.  Something that makes a difference for people.
28. Volunteer more for the kids' school(s).
29. Spend less time anxiously waffling about big decisions, especially when it comes to negativity in my life.  Either cut it out or enjoy the good parts and don't give so many craps about the disappointing or upsetting parts.  Confront bullying in my life when that's what's upsetting me.
30. Explore Austin more.  Do more of the things our city has to offer - SXSW, Austin Duck Adventures, Austin City Limits, the zoo and the Thinkery and the Wildflower Center, the kite festival, ice skating on the roof of Whole Foods, stand up paddling.  Things I've done but want to do more often with the kids, things I've always wanted to do but haven't yet.
31. Once Bellybean is no longer boob-dependent for sleep, buy a subscription to Zach Theatre and see plays regularly with Adam.  And take the kids to at least a few (three) plays a year, including at least one Broadway show (one total).
32. Be in one of the boys' movies.  I don't want them to remember me as always staying home to clean while they go off to have fun and make movies.  I want them to remember me as being fun, too. (Filmed, June 2015. Will link when it's edited and posted to YouTube. I'd still love to do a big role with them, but I had fun being a goon.)
33. Get a massage.  Get a mani-pedi.  Or a mani.  Or a pedi.  If I've ever had my nails done it was in high school and I can't recall it.  (I'm not much of a girly girl...)
34. Cook more.  Like, well.  Cook well.  Well enough that it comes easy, and doesn't feel like a big production every time I make something other than spaghetti.  Get a CSA (long term) and use all the veggies in my/our cooking.
35. Make sure my littles can swim. (2/3 done! Sweet Pea started swimming April 2015!)
36. Go skiing as a family.  Go horseback riding as a family.
37. Dance in the rain with my loves.
38. Go out one of the nights that something cool is happening in the sky - a meteor shower or super moon or something - & actually see it, rather than read it's coming and forget and/or go to bed instead.  Maybe while camping.
39. Therapy.  Conquer anxiety, even when life is intense.
    

40. Do cosplay as a family at a con. (Done! 5/31/15 Magoo and Sweet Pea were Little Batman and Robin - they make YouTube videos as these characters - and we took them to meet the original Batman and Robin, Adam West and Burt Ward, from the 1966 TV series. Bellybean was dressed as the Penguin and Adam and I went as his goons. That this happened was all thanks to Adam, who knew I wanted to do this & got the costumes together for us and B. He is simply awesome!
    We also met...
    

    

    Sylvester McCoy, the 6th Doctor

    

    Stan Effing Lee!

    

    Scully! I mean, Gillian Anderson, but I'm such a huge X Phile
    that to me, she'll always be Scully. I'll write more about this one day.
    We talked about breastfeeding!

    

    My boyfriend, Nathan Fillion.

    

    Karen Gillan (Amy Pond!)

    

    Scott Wilson (The Walking Dead's Hershel!)

    Not only did we dress up for ComicCon, we totally geeked out for swim meets, dressing for the theme of each one - not always this elaborately, but we love Disney, so we went all out. I'm a tad embarrassed by how much spirit we have, but I also think we rock!)
    
    
    
41. Get better at managing stress and anger.  Model better management for my children.  Take the Orange Rhino Challenge.  Rock it.
42. Win the 4th of July parade float contest.
43. Prepare a will.  Not because I think I'll die before 44, but because it's the grown-up thing to do when you have kids.  

Norman on NIP: Norman Reedus Supports Breastfeeding in Public!

Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl Dixon on The Walking Dead, made women love him even more when he posed for a photo with two breastfeeding moms at a convention.  The photo was shared in a Facebook group, and I contacted one mom, Tammie Hamed, to request permission to meme it.

Elizabeth Dalton & Tammie Hamed with their nurslings & Norman

Tammie said that Norman happened to have that boob ball on him. I've since seen a boob pillow and boob slippers (more on those later) with Norman - I'm wondering if a fan gave it to him? The boob prompted Tammie to offer to breastfeed in their photo, which she said Norman was very excited about!

In fact, in my Facebook thread for this meme, Jennifer Lopez commented that she was in line behind Elizabeth and Tammie, and the photographer pulled up the photos for him to see, and a copy was printed for him!  She added that he said it was the "coolest picture of all time!"

He really must have liked it, because he tweeted his Instagram photo of another pose before the show!

Source.

The Free the Nipple movement is what Norman is presumed to be referencing here.  You might expect a man who is a sex symbol to be as guilty as society of sexualizing breasts.  Or maybe it's because women sexualize him that he seems to have no trouble recognizing that the primary function of breasts is to nurture children!

And I say children (versus infants) because yes, the little girl on the right is a toddler.  And no, she's not too old to be breastfeeding.  Mammals typically wean when their baby teeth, also called milk teeth, fall out.  In humans, that's around age 5 or 6 - not at all an unusual age for a human child to be breastfeeding.  Weaning ages vary throughout the cultures of the world.  Here in America, where women are oversexualized and Booby Traps abound, less than half of mothers have adequate support to still be breastfeeding at all at 6 months. But the World Health Organization recommends a minimum of 2 years of nursing, and thereafter for as long as mother and child both desire.

But moving on to the slippers I need right now.  Norman ended Sunday night with this tweet:

Source.

Before I move on to shamelessly brag about my lame claim to Walking Dead fame (I know one of the actors!), I would be remiss if I did not point out that not all moms have Norman around with the bird or even a peace sign - or Daryl around with his bow.

So when moms are asked to cover up, or move (often to a restroom), or to leave a place of public accommodation, they're relying on the law to protect them. And in Texas, it doesn't. It asserts a mother's right to breastfeed anywhere she's authorized to be, but it's not illegal to violate that right. In fact, this weekend a mother was escorted by a police officer with her two children from a roller rink, for feeding her baby.  Daryl wasn't there, but you can be. Texas moms need your help to support legislation to strengthen the right to breastfeed law and remove other barriers to breastfeeding.  See how you can help at TXBFLeg.com.  

And now I shall geek out about how cool it feels to know one of the actors on my favorite show!  

#Porchdick Pete is my husband's best friend from college!  Adam got to go with Corey to the season 5 wrap party for The Walking Dead when Corey's wife was unavailable. I'd have loved to have been available, but it was a plus one thing, and I stayed home in Austin with our kids. But I lived vicariously through photos that Adam sent me through the night.  Like my second favorite photo of Norman Reedus:

Back off, ladies. He's mine! (I do mean Adam, for the record.)

Corey told Andy this photo would
get Adam laid.  It might've.

Adam & Chad Coleman

Adam & Scott Gimple

Adam & Corey & a zombie!

OK, well, there are a bunch more but I've geeked out enough, and I need to go to bed so I can get up soon and start contacting Business and Industry Committee members (especially Representative Rinaldi) about Morgan having had the cops called on her for breastfeeding.  Hope you'll help.  There are lots of ways - share, contact legislators - it's all at that link.  I think Norman would want you to.

#GratitudeChallenge

I just shared a positive NIP story, & it has emboldened me to share something else positive that I have been considering for a year. 

I have not done it yet for a couple of reasons. First, most of what I share here is about breastfeeding advocacy. It's evolved over time, but every time I branch out I feel a little nervous that what I'm sharing is something people won't be receptive to, or that's incongruous with what I started - like maybe I'm breaking some unwritten rule.

Second, what I'm going to share is very personal, in a way, and it makes me feel strangely vulnerable, even when I share it on my personal profile with just friends.

So what is it?

A list of things I am grateful for.

Every day (or at least that's the goal), I express gratitude.

Because what you appreciate appreciates.

Where you put your energy - you'll get more of that.

I have had chronic depression my whole life. It come and goes. Sometimes it's a big deal, but mostly it's just been... normal.

When I had my negative NIP incident over two years ago, and the stakes of getting AISD to adopt a law-abiding NIP policy felt so high, and then the stakes of working on breastfeeding legislation felt even higher - then, oh my word, did the anxiety kick in. I'd been anxious before, to be sure, but not so chronically as I was "just" depressed. The anxiety that started the day I was told to go to a private room sometimes made it hard just to function. I don't even have words to describe its intensity.

Over the past year, my depression and especially my anxiety have dissipated. I don't think I'll never be depressed or anxious again, but I'm amazed at how much happier and calmer I am. And I'm certain that focusing on the positive, on the things I'm thankful for, has made all the difference in the world.

You've heard it before, maybe. Expressing gratitude is a key to happiness. I had. For years - but I didn't do it. Then I joined Carrie Contey, PhD.'s Evolve group, & made it a habit.

It's had such an impact that I've thought about doing it here, because I'd like to share this tool with others, because it is a game changer.

So I'll go first, and if you feel moved to do so, comment with your gratitudes below - or do it on your private social media page or in a journal or even just close your eyes for a moment and list them to yourself.

There are no rules to this #gratitudechallenge. You aren't limited to just the month of November or a list of five things per day for five days. Just think of at least one thing - or maybe 100 - and take a moment to appreciate!

One thought - this isn't about bragging and being "Facebook Fake." I complain about my kids on fb, I whine about my messy house. My *real* life is definitely on my personal Facebook profile. But this is about focusing on the awesome, so yes, it's all good stuff.

Here goes:

I'm thankful to Jessie Warren for letting me share her positive NIP story, and for the amazing gentleman who was encouraging to her. I'm thankful my sick husband is starting to feel better; thankful my big kid has had a breakthrough about how he wants to interact with his family, and he's working hard to be respectful and to stay calm when he's frustrated; thankful for watching Bellybean put train tracks together - he's amazing! So grateful for the opportunity to homeschool Sweet Pea for kindergarten, and for doing so with a friend on Mondays and Wednesdays. Super thankful for an impromptu science experiment during today's co-op, which made me feel like I'm getting it right! Grateful for watching Sweet Pea learn to read, and be fascinated by addition and subtraction and counting, and that he's learning so much even when I don't feel like I'm doing 15% of what I want to do for him.  Thankful I said yes when Sweet Pea wanted to do Legos together, instead of telling him I had to make dinner.  It was worth bedtime being a little later than intended.  Thankful our garage is finally organized enough to feel like a playroom, that art is coming in for the breastfeeding art exhibit in February, that we'll have a House resolution marking the 20th anniversary of Health & Safety Code 165. Thankful for Health & Safety Code 165, even if it does need strengthening. For representatives and senators who stand behind moms ready to support their choice to breastfeed. That I'm warm in my (mostly) clean house on this cold night, and that tomorrow I'll get to take my middle son to a fun acting class and my big kid to a great new school that is a much better fit for him than public school was this year. I'm thankful to be leading such a blessed life!

I don't know how long I'll keep this up. I don't know why it feels vulnerable. So let me know if it's something you enjoy - something that moves you to express gratitude yourself. Because if it is, it'll be worth it to me to keep going with it here each evening. It really has been a game changer for me - I hope it will be or you, too!

My Little Lego Maniac

Let Me Count the Ways: A Love Letter to My Husband on His 40th Birthday

My husband's 40th birthday is today.  This is my love letter to him:

I've known you for half of your life now, Adam. I met you when you were 20, and I was your dresser for - what play was it? Cat Among the Pigeons? That's not as sexy as it sounds, of course. I just placed your costumes and sprayed your shoes out with Lysol every night. I remember you couldn't hang dress pants properly. Hanging clothes still isn't really a strength.

Today you are 40. You're understandably upset by this new age bracket. This getting older thing is kind of unsettling sometimes. But every year you age has meant more to adore. So, while this is by no means an exhaustive list, here are 40 things I love about you:

1. The gray in your hair. I find it thrilling. It excites me so much to be growing older with the love of my life. There really just aren't words for my visceral response to those gray hairs. Suffice it to say, it is so fucking sexy.

2. Watching you with our kids. We both make tremendous mistakes on a regular basis, what with being human and all. But you are so good at it, too. So full of love and humor and decency and *you're here*, doing it. I know my kids will always have a dad, and as an orphan with two living fathers, I cannot thank you enough for toughing out the rough spots and showing up every day. I get to see my children grow with a relationship that was always missing for me. That is such a gift.

3. Your sense of humor. Even when you're just trying to shock me, and I act irritable because you're being gross, I still love that you to want make me laugh.

4. That you get my dry sense of humor. Usually. I love making you laugh. So much. Sometimes I have to point out that I've just said something funny, because you acknowledging it means a lot to me.

5. That you are strong enough to be my man. That song was on the radio a lot when my mom got sick when we were in college. I know it wasn't easy for you to date someone with such a huge, scary thing going on. But you stuck by my side, you nursed me through her cancer, made me let you take care of me so I could take care of her. You let me grieve her death and be selfish for a long, long time. And when it was time to try to come out of my funk, you found a Hospice support group for me that made all the difference in the world. I don't know how I could have survived it all without you.

6. Magoo.

7. Sweet Pea.

8. Bellybean.

9. Your support of me as a breastfeeding advocate. It brings us no money (in fact I spend money on it), but you respect that this is my work. You are more involved in it than I think the majority of people are involved in their spouse's work. I couldn't do even half of what I do if it weren't for your support.

10. Your monstrously large feet.

11. Your ridiculously huge head.

12. Your scruff, when you have it. So hot.

13. That we have the same taste in entertainment. I adore watching TV with you. I remember having boyfriends in high school with whom it was hard to find a video to rent (because we used to do that, at Blockbuster or Hollywood Video - my, how times have changed since you started getting old!). We're always on the same page. Love that!

14. Sex. It has just gotten better over the years - which is saying something, cause it started out great. You are skilled, my love.

15. Pet names. I'll never forget the first time you called me sweetheart. It was the first time anyone had, at least any guy friend. You were pretending to be my boyfriend as we made our way out of a nerve-rattling experience with a homeless guy who wanted to show us his knife. "Come on, sweetheart," I think you said. I wasn't afraid of him. I (thought I) knew he wouldn't hurt us. But I was completely willing to play the role of your girlfriend as we made our exit.

16. Our courtship. Crazy shit we did to impress each other - breaking into an abandoned school, jumping the fence at the city pool. Fun times.

17. Your number one goal in life. You told my mom, before she died, that your number one goal in life is to make me happy. I feel like that's still true. And you do.

18. That thinking about how effing much I crazy-love you, writing it down, has me in tears. (It's a lot. I love you a lot).

19. I love your cooking. Particularly fond of your lasagna and your burritos, boy. I love that you DO the cooking. That we are in a relationship with, if not equal task-sharing (cause I don't always feel I'm doing enough!), then certainly an attempt at balance.

20. Your music. You are the soundtrack to my life. Not everyone is as insanely lucky as I am, to have a personalized soundtrack.

21. I love the movies you make with our boys. They are such treasured memories.

22. The way you love me. Unconditionally. I always know you love me. And considering how awesome I think you are, I must be pretty awesome, too. It's a nice reminder, when I'm down on myself. You love me, therefore I am awesome.

23. I love your writing. Gotta say, I was scared when, after a lifetime of hating writing, you suddenly announced that you wanted to support our family as a writer. But you rock it. So much cleverness.

24. How you support our family. It's amazing to me that we have the freedoms that we have, thanks to your hard work.

25. How you prioritize our family. You work hard, but you play hard, too. You don't miss important kid events, and you spend a fantastic amount of time with our kids even when it's not a special event like a field trip or a scary doctor's appointment.

26. Your interest in... everything. You are always listening to podcasts, always learning new things.

27. Your politics. Not sure how we'd manage if they were otherwise!

28. Your spirituality.

29. Being held by you. I feel so safe in your arms. Spooning.

30. Your habit of doing the dishes every night. It's life-changingly awesome.

31. Kissing you. Since that first, slooooooooow lean-in, giving me every chance to shy away and preserve our friendship. But you were my Harry, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life kissing you.

32. Your mad gift-giving skillz. I love that you are so tuned in to people that you are amazing at thinking up lovely gifts to give them.

33. Including me! I adore the special antiques I get each Christmas. They're always so meaningful. (Except maybe for the oil can. I can't remember what that one was about.)

34. Your empathy. Your emotional intelligence. You're brilliant.

35. That you've wanted to wear our babies. ‪#‎APDadsAreHot‬.

36. Your hair. It's so thick and gorgeous. I love to run my fingers through it...

37. Your eyes. I'll never forget staring into them while I was in transition delivering Milo, blowing your hair off of your forehead - trying to focus on you, and not the excruciating pain and the undeniable-but-too-soon NEED to push. Your eyes have never been more beautiful to me than in that moment. And those same eyes watched me birth our other two children, too, and were amazed at my strength and power. Never afraid of it. You are too strong and good to fear powerful women.

38. That you're as crazy as me. That we live life, at least sometimes, full throttle. Disneyland visits are best from open to close. October is best with Halloween events every weekend - and in themed costumes, as a family. And you're a geek like me. Because geek is chic, baby. I love all of our geeking out moments together - watching Doctor Who, bingeing on Battlestar Galactica, a Lord of the Rings marathon, wearing costumes to Race for the Cure that one year when we still did the Race...

39. That you're crunchy like me. AP like me. A feminist like me. We have so much in common - it makes living with you easy.

40. That you know how to rest and relax. You balance my frenetic, overdriven work ethic.

And one to grow on - I love you for this beautiful life I am so privileged to live. Everything I love is part of my life because you are part of my life.

Thank you, Adam. Thank you for being the great love of my life.

Five Pound Challenge - Week 1

On Valentine's Day I over-indulged - again - and that night I finally shared a post about body image that I'd been working on for quite awhile.  In that piece I committed to losing 5 pounds.  To hold myself accountable, I'll periodically give an update about how I am doing with counting calories on myfitnesspal and exercising each day.

Trying to get a weight loss progress pic but my kids just don't get that
Mommy wants a turn alone!  My sweet little cutie patooties -
I'm glad they like the camera!

Here's an update on my first week, in which I embarrass myself ruthlessly, sort of in diary form:


Feb. 15, 2014

Counting calories is so daunting! I just ate two big plates of homemade stir fry with veggies (including sweet potatoes & carrots & lots of green non-starchy veggies) and pine nuts that I cooked in olive oil & added soy sauce to. I have NO clue how many calories that is. I don't even know how much of it I ate. I'm guessing maybe 3 cups or so. I logged stir fry as myfitnesspal has it listed, and mfp said that it would have 300 calories. I think I'll fret a lot over not knowing how many calories to record, especially since I'm trying to eat whole foods, not boxed foods with nutritional information labels. But I will keep at it, because at least I'll start to get a sense of my intake...

later that day - a sense of my intake was a real wake-up call!

So I made a big mistake today! We got smoothies from Smoothie King. I used to get a large, so tonight I got a medium. I thought you had to ask for the Turbinado (sweetener, I guess - sugar and honey?) and thought I was getting 720 calories. Nope - 1020! So I'm in the red on myfitnesspal. My exercise DVD isn't in the case and I need to get my kids to bed so I turned on the TV and found exercise on demand. With no time to be picky, I turned on Buff Brides: Countdown to the Gown! I did my terribly uncoordinated best while trying not to step on Bellybean for 20 minutes (with a potty break for him to complicate things further - I held his hands so he wouldn't fall in and marched while he peed). I have no idea how many calories I burned. I think I called it moderate walking on mfp since I haven't figured out logging exercise on there. I'm still over by 73 calories. I told Adam we have to have sex tonight. He's game. And after, if I go to bed early, then I should be able to avoid eating again tonight. 


Feb. 16

Oh, my word, this food tracking thing... I used to eat three Torchy's tacos with chips and queso for brunch, or spread over breakfast and lunch. It should have covered me not just for two meals but for the whole day - maybe more.

And I am hungry. I'm saving the third taco for dinner, so I just ate a bunch of broccoli. Blech. I like broccoli, but handfuls of the stuff plain and raw - not loving it. But I ate it because I feel really cranky and kinda headachey and maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's just cause I'm getting so few calories compared to my usual intake. 

Trying to drink more water. Glad hubby is trying to keep the kids happy, and is being accepting of my foul mood...


Feb. 17

Today I hired an organizer (spaceWise Organizing ♥) and we found paperwork from when I saw a dietitian months ago. I get 450 more calories a day! Yay, breastfeeding!!!  No wonder I've been so fartin' hungry!  My Tochy's brunch was too much food, but not a whole day's worth, after all!

My husband's partner/former boss paid for dinner at Jack Allen's Kitchen tonight, and though he said that if we saw two things that looked good to order them both, and not to leave without dessert, I only ate half my steak (yes, I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu - make of that what you will) and I did not have dessert! AND I walked 35 minutes today. Can I get a booyah?!

I cleaned a lot today. I'm counting that as my 10 minutes of exercise. And if that didn't raise my heart rate enough to count, I'm pretty sure watching The Walking Dead did.

Actually, my muscles all hurt like I've been exercising a ton. I had a stressful day, with my oldest son being very challenging all day. I feel a little like I'm just steeped in adrenaline. But I'm wondering if this icky-achey-tight feeling has anything to do with cutting my calories waaaaaaay back.

Oh - and I feel I must admit that I cheated. Sort of. Before I added my "exercise" to mfp, I only had 30 calories left for a snack. But I ate an 80 calorie string cheese anyway. I haven't yet figured out how to account on mfp for those extra 450 calories I get for breastfeeding, so I think I'm ok.  Which leads me to my next thought - I hope this doesn't affect my milk supply! Bellybean was so fussy today. I don't really think it had to do with my milk, but I'm a worrier...


Feb. 18

My scale sucks. The numbers are all over the place. Today I thought, for about 30 seconds, that I'd lost 10 pounds. Um, no. Tried again, I'm still at the same place - which is fine, but don't mess with me! Frickin' scale. Thing is, all the scales we've ever had have been crappy. I don't want to spend a load on a new one when we have one and scales have a bad track record for us, but I am not sure what to do about this one stinking like smelly old cheese.

mid-morning snack:

So I'm sitting with my kids as they eat their snacks and the smell of their food is driving this already cranky mama crazy!  Bellybean wanted to eat in my lap. So the Pirate's Booty was within snatching distance, and I could smell it so hard I could taste it.  I decided to go ahead and have a yogurt as my snack, and Bellybean starts clamoring to EAT MINE! He already has his own dang yogurt! ‪#‎leggomyeggo‬

lunch (still crabby):

Baby just demanded some of my leftover steak. I reluctantly (I'm so selfish!) cut up a few bites for him. He chewed some up and spat it out.  ‪#‎Punk‬ ‪ #‎leggomyeggo‬
I added soy sauce to my steak. Still hungry post-steak, I drank the soy sauce that was still on the plate. Unsatisfied, I licked the plate (a disgusting habit of my husband's that I have chastised him about for almost 19 years). I am embarrassed to admit these things, but I guess it's like a fart joke - I am amused by how gross I am!

(Do people hashtag in blogs?  It feels a little like saying "LOL" in an in-person conversation.  But I wrote most of these little daily updates in the Facebook group I started when so many mamas said they'd be joining me in my #5PoundChallenge.  So I'm leaving the hashtags as they originally appeared, because frankly, #leggomyeggo cracked my crap up.) 

dinner:

Have somehow managed to eat out for the past three days - the first days of my diet. So for the first time, I need to go make dinner. While hungry. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out...


Feb. 19

I cheated last night. Ate my chips and queso as a snack, then looked up the calories after. Went way over. It was nice - really, really nice - to not feel like I was starving. I don't feel like I fell off the wagon; I'm not going to beat myself up. I didn't meet my goal yesterday, but I will today. And I think I'll be more careful to spread my calories over the day rather than be over cautious all day and have lots left for dinner but just still feel like I've spent the day feeling ravenous.

One problem I'm experiencing, beyond the sudden drastic reduction in calories, especially before I accounted for breastfeeding in my calorie goal, is that I just have lost the ability to know when I'm hungry. I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for over 9 years, so I've basically been hungry for almost a decade! Cause I was hungry even on way too many calories. I'm sure it's partly psychological, but surely not entirely...


Feb. 20

My husband went out of town today and I haven't managed to log my food on mfp, but I'm paying attention and I think I'm doing ok. Except not with exercise. I think it's maybe just too many changes all at once.  But I'm still trying, and I'll get into a groove with it.  I haven't gotten enough sleep for a couple of weeks so I'm giving myself permission to watch a show and go to bed. No dishes, no laundry, no mfp.


Feb. 21

Should have had half an ounce less of cheese today, and should have exercised but didn't manage it. Still doing better than I was, so I'll take it. 


Feb. 22

I looked in the mirror this morning and thought my face had changed, that it looked thinner.  But then I thought that was silly, and that I was probably just unused to the glasses I was wearing.

I cleaned so much crap (broken toys and such) out of my yard today that I wasn't hungry!  All of the exercise and being outside curbed my hunger (I should always work outside, everyday!!!) and I ended the day with many available calories unconsumed!

Sweet 16 my @$$! - I am SO thrilled to be
getting rid of this frumpy, dumpy, falling-apart
(the back pockets have lost their buttons & since I
don't sew much I cut them because they were
too long - see the frayed bottoms? - lovely)
pair of size 16 jeans - the only non-maternity
pants I've been wearing for too close to two years.
And that stack of pants & jeans on the
yellow stand?  All maternity pants, also headed
to Goodwill or Safe Place or a friend.  Woohoo!

Feb. 23, 2014

My scale really is a piece of crap. It definitely says I lost 10 pounds now. I don't buy it. But I DID leave the house in size 14 jeans today! Came home and noticed a bit of a camel toe situation, though...

Soon they should fit well enough to remedy that, and I'm going to wear maternity shirts cause they're long.  This was worth all of the hunger.  I feel downright svelte.  If I'd known I just had to be super disciplined for a week to get back into my stupid non-maternity clothes, I'd have done this months and months ago!  I'm sure it won't all go so quickly, and that's fine.  But this is a lovely reward for finally starting!

And now for the next five pounds!

Comparison: The top row is at my top weight of  186 pounds in early February,
which is where I started my diet on the 15th.  Bottom row is today, 2/26/14,
about a week and a half into dieting, and down more than 10 pounds. Oh - and
I had just taken a bath today - didn't want to bother to wait for my hair to dry.

Using MyFitnessPal While Breastfeeding

How I'm using myfitnesspal to lose weight as a breastfeeding mother...

I'm loving myfitnesspal.  I am learning so much about my old eating habits.  It's sort of terrifying, what I'm learning, but as a fan of The Walking Dead, I'm no stranger to terror.  So I love it.

I used to eat chips, queso, and three tacos with an orange juice for brunch on Sundays.  By tracking my calorie intake I realized that that much food should last me pretty much the whole day.

Or so I thought at first.  BUT, that was not taking breastfeeding into account.  No wonder I'm hungry enough to eat my own young!!!  My old habit of a huge Torchy's Tacos brunch was definitely too much sodium and more than I needed to eat before dinner, but it wasn't as dramatic as I thought.  So spreading that meal over the whole day Sunday wasn't necessary after all.

Photo by Gloria Sanchez

I saw a dietitian a few months ago, and since I crapped out on dieting then (the holidays = classic excuse to wait on dieting), I did nothing with the paperwork she gave me.  Then yesterday Sonya Feher of spaceWise Organizing helped me tackle the Paper Monster living in my house, and I found the paperwork from the dietitian.  And I found 450 calories!

Breastfeeding a toddler, with my height/weight/age/weight loss goals and/or whatever, she recommended an intake of 1600-1800 calories.  Since I'm ravenous, for now I'm going with 1800.  That's 450 more than myfitnesspal allotted me!

(Yes, I knew I was burning calories by nursing Bellybean, but I didn't know how many or how to input that on the app.)

Since myfitnesspal unfortunately doesn't take allow for breastfeeding in their calculations, I might have maybe figured out a way around that, which I'll share at the end.  But first I'll share the email I sent them, asking them to consider breastfeeding users:

Hello.  I am a breastfeeding advocate in Texas, excited to be using your services.  The past three days I have appreciated the projection of how much weight I can lose if I keep going as I am now.  Unfortunately, now that I have adjusted my calorie goal as per my dietitian's recommendation, I am apparently only set to lose one-tenth of a pound per week!  I would very much like, as a breastfeeding mother, to have the ability to adjust the "Calories Burned from Normal Daily Activity" to reflect calories I burn breastfeeding.  This would give me back the motivation of being told that I will lose weight if I keep eating at or under my goal.
Unfortunately breastfeeding rates are low in the United States.  But they are on the rise, and breastfeeding is optimal nutrition for infants, so a health app should, in my opinion, take nursing mothers into account.
I would love to see you work with a lactation consultant to create a resource as part of your app for breastfeeding users of myfitnesspal.  A recommendation to see one's doctor or physician may still be in order, but a lactation consultant could offer guidelines about how many calories breastfeeding burns, and how to watch for a dip in milk supply that may come from cutting calories too far.
Thank you for your consideration.

Since I still want to have the weight loss projection, I tried a few things.

First, I tried adjusting my calorie goal to 1800 and adding breastfeeding as an exercise.  But that just earned me another 450 calories, on top of 1800.  Um, no.

So then I tried changing my lifestyle from sedentary to lightly active (not a big enough difference of only 220 calories for me) and then to active (a difference of 510 calories - too many since I'm not nursing a newborn).  This changed my Calories Burned from Normal Daily Activity, but the numbers didn't line up with my 450 calories burned while breastfeeding.

What I think is going to work is this (SEE EDIT BELOW FOR ANOTHER SIMPLE OPTION): I changed my goals one last time and allowed myfitnesspal to again allot me 1350 calories.  I set my exercise goal at 11 minutes of exercise.  Each day I will add "1 minute" of breastfeeding as exercise (cause it's easy to do the math - if I exercise for 20 minutes, that 21st minute is my breastfeeding calories).  I input that that "exercise" will burn 450 calories.  And voila - I've "earned" those calories, setting my daily goal at 1800.

I will let y'all know how this seems to be working for me, and I hope it helps other nursing moms!  And if my math is crazy wonky or you're sure this isn't the way to go about this, by all means, please let me know.  This is new territory for me.

One other thing I've learned by tracking my food: I should probably weigh as much as a small truck.  Here I was all "Phooey!!!" that I wasn't losing weight while breastfeeding, but I now realize that breastfeeding while eating enough for two to three people was surely helping me to not gain weight.  Thanks, boobs!

If you'd like to encourage myfitnesspal to better serve breastfeeding moms, consider emailing them.

EDIT:  So after all that, I found out that you can eat a negative number of calories!  You can choose breastfeeding as a food, or enter it yourself with your negative calories if they're not already represented (I only saw 300 and 500 I think).  I swear to you when I Googled this, all I saw was mfp saying to manually adjust your calorie goal because they don't calculate for breastfeeding.  So I still think they could do better by bf moms.

Also, the reply to my email said the same as what my search turned up, with the addition of suggesting to add breastfeeding as an exercise (too bad I didn't get the email before I fiddled around with it to come up with the exercise thing).  But I'm finding it simpler somehow to add it to my breakfasts.  I can finish my first meal and still be in the negatives!  Thank you to all who commented on Facebook (and here) to let me know I could add bf as a food.

Here's the reply from myfitnesspal, if you're interested:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us and for your suggestion.
Since breastfeeding varies for each woman, we don't currently offer a specific recommendation for adjusting your calories. However, if you obtain a calorie estimate from your doctor or nutritionist, you can easily change your calorie goal to account for the difference. 
To adjust your calorie goal:
On the Web​
Click "My Home" then "Goals" then "Change Goals, then select "Custom." Be sure to save your changes.
In the Android, iPad and iPhone apps
Select "Settings" in the Menu Drawer then "Fitness Goals."
Tap "Net Calorie Goal"
In our other apps
On the "More" page select "Edit Profile"
Select "Net Calorie Goal."
Selecting the current goal will allow you to change it. Be sure to save your changes.
As an alternative, you may log "breastfeeding" as an exercise. Once you have a calorie estimate, you can add "breastfeeding" as a custom cardiovascular exercise to your exercise database. (For information on adding a custom exercise, see the article here: http://j.mp/ZqGjQe )
We hope this helps. Please let us know if you have any other problems or questions. We wish you all the success in reaching and maintaining your health and fitness goals.

Are you taking the 5 Pound Challenge with me?  How is it going?
What tools are you using to meet your goals?